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Ten Ways to Lose in a Casino
By J. R. Miller
Are
you feeling guilty about taking the casinos' money? Are you uncomfortable carrying
all that disposable cash? Are you tired of not having to borrow gas money from
friends and family? Is being financially solvent just too complicated to deal
with?...Here's help.
Listed
below are the top ten pre-tested, guaranteed, sure-fire ways to break that nasty
winning streak. Simply follow one or more of these ten guidelines the next time
you visit a casino and everyone will be feeling sorry for you in no time at
all. You'll not only be getting all that 'tsk-tsk' sympathy you've been missing,
you'll also have that strange warm feeling of cleanliness pouring over you like
hot syrup.....You know the 'clean' feeling we're talking about; - the one that
comes only from going broke. It's a special feeling reserved for those gamblers
with a genuine deep-seated (but sometimes unconscious) need to lose...After
all, why do you think losers say such things as, "I've been cleaned out,"
or "They took me to the cleaners," or "I took a bath," or
"I was wiped out?"
No,
these ten ways aren't the only good ways to lose. There are plenty of others.
But if you stick with only these ten, you won't need a longer list. Trust me.
1.
Always bet more than you can afford to lose. This might be the best
way of all to get rid of unwanted assets. Gamble with the rent money, or with
the alimony payment, or the grocery money, or the car payment. By betting more
than you can afford to lose, you figure to have that solvency monkey off your
back in no time. It's hard to keep winning when all you can think about is whether
or not you'll have a roof over your head next week.
2.
Keep increasing the sizes of your bets. Regard the size of your next
bet as a pry bar, either to get even after a losing streak or to 'push' a winning
streak. Changing the size of your bets constitutes using a progressive betting
system - whether or not such changes in your bet size have been carefully pre-planned
- and progressive betting systems are wonderfully effective at unloading unwanted
cash. Consider doubling up after a losing day in order to get even, or why not
double up after a winning day?
3.
Always bet according to your hunches. Betting according to hunches is
a real nifty short-cut to Tap City. If you feel like you're 'due' a blackjack
even though you've seen a lot of aces dealt, increase the size of your bets.
Or if you get a hunch that a particular slot machine is ready to pay out, load
up with coins and don't let anyone stop you from playing until that sucker hits.
After all, you remember that time you had a hunch and it came true, don't you?
4.
If you're a craps player, be sure to make lots of exotic bets. Anybody
will win now and then at craps if they bet only on 'pass' and 'don't pass' or
those other low-percentage cowardly propositions. Those sissy bets don't have
nearly enough odds against you. If you're trying to get rid of cash, always
take the longshot bets at craps, such as hard ways or the field or any craps,
etc...
5.
Whenever you gamble, be tired, drink up, and flirt like crazy. Breaking
this rule could be one of the reasons you've been winning in the first place.
How can you expect to lose if you're alert and paying attention? Always stay
up too late, drink plenty of booze, and try to get a date with the dealer or
with another player at your table; - that's just good common sense.
6.
Play lots of keno, lotteries and/or Big Six. One reason you may have
been winning is that you haven't been battling big enough odds. When you're
trying to go broke, unfair odds can be a big help. Play plenty of keno, lotteries,
Big Six (also called 'The Big Wheel'), and certain other big-payoff games. With
their overwhelming odds going against you, these games should be a big part
of your repertoire.
7.
Play games you know nothing about. Never read books or articles by experts
about how to play certain games before you gamble. That's for whooses. Always
learn new games while you're actually playing them with real money. Never practice
beforehand at home. Otherwise you might accidentally learn something profitable.
8.
Always be sure to impress people with the size of your bets. Members
of the opposite sex are really attracted to people who lose vast amounts of
money. Big losers look very sexy...And don't forget, the more you lose, the
more comps you're likely to get from the casino. It's important to impress the
pit bosses with your big losses. It's a great way to get a free buffet.
9.
Consider winning or losing as a direct test of your self worth. Remember,
only a wimp quits gambling during a losing streak. Real men and women keep betting
until they either win big or go broke. You don't want to be a wimp, do you?
Keep betting. Get mad if you have to.
10.
Act on superstition. If superstition can't cure your solvency problem,
your winning streak may be tougher to overcome than I thought. If you win because
you're playing at your lucky blackjack table, or because the dice are green
and green is your lucky color, or because you're wearing your lucky panties
or jockey shorts - or whatever - your problem of solvency might require especially
intense attention. You might have to apply more than one of these ten guidelines
at the same time.
If
these ten guidelines fail to unload your unwanted cash, you'd better resign
yourself to being the luckiest son-of-a-gun on the planet...I'm afraid you'll
just have to live with it.
*********************
J.
R. Miller was featured in The NEW YORK TIMES, Business Section, November, 1997,
as one of this nation's top two sports handicappers. He wrote the best
selling book of it's kind, HOW PROFESSIONAL GAMBLERS BEAT THE PRO FOOTBALL POINTSPREAD,
and he edits PROFESSIONAL GAMBLER Newsletter. Both the book and newsletter are
available on the web at http://www.professionalgambler.com
or by mail from Flying M Group, P.O. Box 68, Readyville TN 37149, or by telephone
at 615-409-6789.
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